TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
Top 8 signs your child has a Pokemon card gambling problem:
8. Hocks the dog for a Pikachu and 2 Jigglypuffs.
7. Last year's $1600 Beanie Baby collection is nowhere to be found.
6. Claims her kneecaps were broken in a freak hopscotch accident.
5. Christmas list includes Lego's, inline skates and $30,000 to pay
back "Vinnie the Shark."
4. From behind the garage, you hear: "Come on, Baby! Pikachu needs a new
pair of shoes!"
3. Pete Rose keeps calling to ask if little Johnny can come out and play.
2. You receive a package from summer camp containing Billy's ear and a
note asking for Charizard.
1. She's been on the phone all morning, ranting and chain-smoking candy
If Man Ran the World
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice
hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur on leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event
in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded
with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast
you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game,
she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable
response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out
of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
"public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
CHILDREN'S BOOKS THAT DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT
- submitted by Angela Caligiuri
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
9. Some Kittens Can Fly
10. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
11. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
12. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
13. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things